I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
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I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.