[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
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Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate