“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
bro what is going on at twitter
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.