[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
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Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Breaking news:
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.