Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
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I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Every house has this drawer
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks