“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
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After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Just grow your own
Looking at you, Jesus.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.