dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
You Might Also Like
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
cat vs inanimate object
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?