My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
You Might Also Like
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
sir, my pâté if you please
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
🤣
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.