*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.