I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
You Might Also Like
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.