Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
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9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.