Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
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I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.