ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
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me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space