“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
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Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.