if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
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Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.