Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?