her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
You Might Also Like
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
❤️❤️❤️
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD