Wednesday
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I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
How dramatic are you?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-