My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
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When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Jail
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.