A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Doggies just call it style.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…