Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
can’t talk my ride’s here
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”