Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
*cough*
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?