Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.