No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
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Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
accurate
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”