ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
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Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[the middle of showering] I need a break
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
*pronounces UPS like yoops
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.