The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
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Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
the simulation is moving too fast
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat