Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I’m not wrong
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.