You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
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if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I already tried new things thanks.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Sorry. Not sorry
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.