(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
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[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.