Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.