This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
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*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
From Facebook just now…
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.