(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
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*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏