[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
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Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Note to self: always read the final line
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.