Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
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[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.