(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
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Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?