IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
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Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.