*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
🤣✨#caturday
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.