My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
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I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Goodnight 🐶
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.