I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
What the hell happened here.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Welcome
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!