No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
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I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Noah was an idiot.