Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months