My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
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*struts into the new year
~ trips
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.