IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
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I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit