You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
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Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Breaking news:
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Facebook memories be like
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce