MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
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I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
🏙👨🏼
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.