Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that