Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
You Might Also Like
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad