It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
If you are reading this then you are reading this
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
listen closely
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?