*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
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*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser