wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
You Might Also Like
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.